Chapter 43 Whom I love best

1 Very early next morning I heard him go downstairs. As soon as the servants came down, I heard the question, 'Is Miss Eyre here?' Then, 'Which room did you put her in? Is she up? Go and ask her if she wants anything, and when she will come down.'

2 Entering the breakfast room very softly, I had a view of him before he discovered my presence. He sat in his chair, lines of sadness marking his strong features.

3 'It is a bright sunny morning, sir,' I said. 'The rain is over and gone. You must go for a walk.'

4 I had stirred him into life. He smiled.

5 Most of the morning was spent out of doors. After a time he urged me to tell of my experiences during the last year. I began my story, but I softened the description of my three days of wandering a good deal.

6 He told me that I should not have left him thus, without means of supporting myself. He was certain that I had suffered more than I had admitted to him.

7 'Well, whatever my sufferings were, they were short,' I answered. I then told of my welcome by the Rivers family, and of all that followed.

8 'This St John, then, is your cousin?'

9 'Yes.'

10 'You have spoken of him often. Do you like him?'

11 'He is a very good man, sir. I could not help liking him.'

12 'A good man. Does that mean a respectable man of fifty?'

13 'St John is only twenty-nine, sir.'

14 'Is he a dull person, short and ugly?'

15 'He is a good-looking man: tall, fair, with blue eyes.'

16 'But his brain? It is probably rather soft?'

17 'He talks little, sir, but what he says is always worth listening to. He is a truly intelligent man.'

18 'Did you like him, Jane?'

19 'Yes, Mr Rochester, I liked him. But you asked me that before.'

20 Jealousy had got hold of him, but the sting was bringing him back to life.

21 'Did he visit you often at your school?'

22 'Daily.'

23 'You had a cottage near the school, you say. Did he ever come there to see you?'

24 'Sometimes.'

25 A pause.

26 'Did Rivers spend much time with the ladies of the family while you were living with them?'

27 'Yes, we worked in the same room.'

28 'What did you study?'

29 'I learnt German, at first.'

30 'Did he teach you?'

31 'He does not understand German. He taught me a little Hindustani.'

32 'Rivers taught you Hindustani?'

33 'Yes, sir.'

34 'And his sisters also?'

35 'No, only me.'

36 'Did you ask to learn?'

37 'No, he wished to teach me.'

38 'Why did he wish it? Of what use could Hindustani be to you?'

39 'He intended me to go to India with him.'

40 'He wanted to marry you?'

41 'He asked me to marry him.'

42 'That is an invention, to annoy me.'

43 'I beg your pardon, sir. He did ask me, and was as earnest in urging me as ever you could be.'

44 'Miss Eyre, you can leave me. Go and marry this Rivers.'

45 'He will never be my husband. He does not love me, nor I him. He wanted me only because he thought I should make a suitable missionary's wife. He is good and great, but too cold for me. Must I leave you, sir, to go to him?'

46 'What, Jane! Is that really how things are?'

47 'Absolutely, sir.'

48 'You wish to be friends, Jane?'

49 'Yes, sir.'

50 'Ah, Jane, but I want a wife.'

51 'Do you, sir?'

52 'Yes. Is it news to you?'

53 'Choose then, sir—her who loves you best.'

54 'I will at least choose—her whom I love best. Jane, will you marry me?'

55 'Yes, sir.'

56 'A poor blind man, whom you will have to lead about by the hand?'

57 'Most truly, sir.'

58 A little later, he said:

59 'Jane, a curious thing happened to me a few days ago. I think it was last Monday night. I had long had the belief that, since I could not find you, you must be dead. Late that night I began to pray for death also. My punishment, I felt, had lasted long enough: I asked God to end it. My heart's wishes broke from my lips in the words—"Jane! Jane! Jane!"

60 'You will think that I imagined things, but what I tell you now is true. As I called, a voice, I cannot tell from where, replied: "I am coming. Wait for me," and a moment later the words—"Where are you?" were whispered on the wind. In spirit, I believe, we must have met.'