Chapter 19 In the drawing room

1 I felt rather nervous as the hour approached when I was to appear in the drawing room. Adèle had been in a state of joy all day, but when the business of dressing began, she became serious. I myself quickly put on my best dress (a silvery grey one, bought for Miss Temple's wedding, and never worn since) and smoothed my hair.

2 We found the room empty. A large fire was burning, and wax candles shone among the beautiful flowers on the tables.

3 Adèle brought a small chair to my side. Before long, she touched my knee.

4 'May I take one of these beautiful flowers—just as a finishing touch to my dress!'

5 'You think too much of your dress, Adèle, but you may have a flower.' And I took a rose and fastened it in her belt. She sighed with satisfaction, and I turned away to hide a smile.

6 A soft sound of rising could now be heard. The curtain across the arch that divided the drawing room from the dining room was drawn aside, and a number of ladies entered. I rose and bowed to them. One or two bent their heads in return, the others only stared at me.

7 They scattered about the room like birds, looking at the books and flowers, and talking in low but clear voices. I examined them quietly, giving most of my attention to the Ingrams. The mother, Lady Ingram, was a splendidly good-looking woman, but with an expression of almost unbearable pride, and a fierce, hard eye that reminded me of Mrs Reed. The daughters, Blanche and Mary, were both very tall. I looked with special interest, of course, at the elder. How far was she like Mrs Fairfax's description, and the picture called up by my imagination?

8 She was beautiful, but her face was like her mother's, only younger. She was talking to Mrs Dent, a gentle lady, in such a way as to show her own cleverness but make the other appear stupid.

9 Meanwhile Adèle advanced and greeted the company in French. Miss Blanche Ingram looked scornfully down on her. Mrs Dent kissed her kindly, and Amy and Louisa Eshton seated her between them and were spoiling her as much as she could wish.

10 At last coffee was brought in, and the gentlemen were called. I sat in the shadow. The window curtain half hid me.

11 Mr Rochester came at last. I was not looking, yet I saw him enter. I tried to keep my attention on my sewing. I remembered the last time I saw him, and how near I had approached him at that moment. Yet now, how distant, how far apart we were! He took a seat at the other side of the room without looking at me.

12 Against my will, my eyes were drawn to his face. I compared him with his guests. He was not beautiful, but his colourless face, square heavy forehead, broad black eyebrows, deep eyes, firm mouth—all decision, energy, will—were full of interest to me. I had not intended to love him, but the first time I saw him again, I was conquered by my feelings. He made me love him without looking at me.

13 I saw Mr Rochester smile. He was talking at the moment to Louisa and Amy Eshton. I saw with surprise that they received that look calmly, yet I was glad. 'He is not to them what he is to me,' I thought. 'He is not of their kind. I believe that he is of mine. Though rank and wealth separate us widely, I have something in my brain and in my heart in common with him. I have certain tastes and feelings that he understands.'

14 Coffee was handed round. The ladies had become gay since the gentlemen entered. The older men argued about politics while their wives listened. All were occupied except Blanche Ingram, who stood alone at a table. She moved towards Mr Rochester.

15 'Mr Rochester, why did you take charge of a little thing like that?' She pointed to Adèle. 'Where did you get her from?'

16 'She was left on my hands.'

17 'You should have sent her to school.'

18 'I could not afford it. Schools are so dear.'

19 'Why, I suppose you have a governess for her. I saw a person with her just now—has she gone? Oh, no! There she is still, behind the window-curtain. You pay her, of course. I should think it quite as expensive—more so, as you have to support them both as well.'

20 'I have not considered the subject.'

21 'No, you men never do consider saving. You should hear Mama speak on the subject of governesses. Mary and I had, I should think, half a dozen at least. Half of them we hated, the rest we laughed at. They were all nuisances—were they not, Mama?'

22 'My dearest, don't mention governesses. The word makes me nervous. I have suffered so much from their stupidity. I thank heaven I have finished with them.'

23 Mrs Dent here bent over and whispered something in her ear, reminding the lady, I suppose, that one of the hated profession was present.

24 'Let her listen!' said Blanche's mama. 'I hope it may do her good!' Then, in a lower voice, but still loud enough for me to hear: 'I noticed her, and I see in her face all the faults of her kind.'

25 'Oh, Mama! Don't weary us with the description. Let us change the subject. How is your voice tonight, Mr Rochester?'

26 'At your service, if you command it.'

27 Miss Ingram seated herself with proud grace at the piano.

28 'Mr Rochester, now sing, and I will play for you.'

29 'I am all obedience.'

30 'Now is my time to slip away,' I thought, but the voice that began to sing held my attention. It was a fine, powerful one, into which the singer threw his own feelings. I waited till the last notes died away, and then slipped out by the side door. In crossing the hall, I noticed that my shoe was undone. I stopped to tie it.

31 I heard the drawing room door open. A gentleman came out. Rising hastily, I stood face to face with him. It was Mr Rochester.

32 'How are you?' he said.

33 'I am very well, sir.'

34 'Why did you not come and speak to me in the room?'

35 I thought I might have put the same question to him, but I would not speak so freely. I answered:

36 'I did not wish to disturb you, as you seemed occupied.'

37 'What have you been doing during my absence?'

38 'Nothing special—teaching Adèle, as usual.'

39 'And becoming a good deal paler than you were. What is the matter?'

40 'Nothing at all, sir.'

41 'Did you catch a cold that night when you nearly drowned me?'

42 'No.'

43 'Return to the drawing room. You are deserting too early.'

44 'I am tired, sir.'

45 He looked at me for a minute.

46 'And a little unhappy. What about? Tell me.'

47 'Nothing—nothing, sir. I am not unhappy.'

48 'But you are—so much so, that a few more words would bring tears to your eyes. Indeed, they are there now. If I had the time, I would find out what this all means. Well, tonight I will excuse you, but as long as my visitors stay, I expect you to appear in the drawing room every evening. Now go, and send the nurse for Adèle. Good night, my—' He stopped, bit his lip and quickly left me.