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A Lesson in Growing Up

Sophie Zhang

1 I leave for college in just three months.

2 As I received acceptance after acceptance (with a few rejections mixed in), it never sunk in that any of this was real. The whole application process seemed like a game. I would apply to College A, College B, and College C, and the better credentials and test scores I had, the better chance I had of getting in. But nothing was for sure—it was all a game of risk, a slippery slope of gambling where students would become progressively addicted to checking college websites, scrolling through admissions statistics, all in the hope that they would be added to their dream school's incoming class of 2015.

3 But now I've heard back from all of my colleges. Now I have to choose. Beyond that, I have to face the fact that this is my life. High school is quickly coming to a close and, with that, my childhood. As I lay in bed the other night, it suddenly hit me with the power of a stack of bricks—I will never be going to live at home with my parents and brother again. Sure, I would be home for winter and summer breaks, but that would be temporary. I would never once again be a permanent member of the household. I would have to depend on intangible memories and emotions to feel as if I were a part of the family once I was gone.

4 When you're living at home, everything is a reminder that you're a part of the family. You see your parents every day, your pictures are scattered all over the house, you share cutlery and walk into each other's room without knocking. But what happens when you leave and you no longer have those physical, tangible reminders that you're "one of them"? I don't know the answer now, but in sure time, I will.

5 Right now, I'm at a frustrating stage in my life where I feel both like a child and an adult. I'm perfectly happy sitting down for hours watching Disney movies and eating junk food, but then there's the side of me that wants to be independent and treated like an adult. Now that I'm beginning to cross the delicate balance and nearing the adult side, I want to stop. I feel like I'm playing a game of "pretend". As I looked through my college acceptance letters, I almost laughed out loud. Did I really sign up for business school? What do I know about business? Business is for adults.

6 But it's no longer a question of whether or not I signed up for business school. The question now is: Are you going to go to business school? Are you going to go study economics at a liberal arts college? In other words, what are you planning to do for the rest of your life?

7 I took a three-hour walk with one of my friends the other day, and he expressed his doubts about studying computer science at a highly-regarded public university in California.

8 "My parents want me to study computer science," he had said. "But how do I know I'm good at it? What if I'm not good at it? What if I hate it?"

9 "Then switch majors," I had told him. It seemed simple enough to me.

10 "My parents said that they won't pay for college if I don't study computer science. They took one look at me and said, 'What else are you going to study?'"

11 went home that night and thought about what he had said. It was scary to think that at the young age of seventeen, he was already pigeonholed. He—or rather, his parents—had already determined the rest of his life for him. I'm unsure of what to feel towards him. Should I be jealous that he already has a clear, focused idea of what he's going to pursue when I barely know what I'm going to major in? Or should I be sad that he is never going to get the chance to experiment with his life?

12 All of a sudden, these questions are jumping out at me and I'm not sure I'm ready for them. But ready or not, college is realer than it's ever been. It's not just something I can dream and think about—it's slowly becoming my reality. This is where I'll be for the next four years of my life.

13 After receiving my acceptances, I've narrowed down my selection to four schools that are different in almost every single way. One is the same public university in California that my friend will attend; another is a large private business school in New York City; another is a tiny, liberal arts college in California with a strong focus on preprofessionalism; and the last one is a liberal arts, all-women college in Boston.

14 Right now, the question isn't what I plan on studying. All the colleges are similar enough that I could study whatever I wanted and get a great education. Right now, the choice is who do I want to be? Or rather, who do I want to become? That's the question I've been struggling with throughout the duration of my high school career, and now that it has almost come to a close, I feel like I'm no closer to coming to my decision than I was at the beginning of my freshman year. But it's a decision I have to make by May 1. By May 1, I'll have determined my identity, and I'll have opened a new chapter in my life in which I know who I am.

15 Growing up is never easy to do. I've barely grown up myself, and already I know that. No wonder Peter Pan chose to fly to Neverland and remain a child forever. It doesn't sound so bad right now. But the colleges are waiting for me to respond. It's time for me to move on ... 

16 But ... at least I have until May 1. For now, I think I'll enjoy what's left of my childhood and pop in a Disney movie.