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The Art of Friendship

Cyndi Freiman

1 Do you have sufficient people in your life to share the laughs and tears that come with the endless ups and downs of living? Research has shown that friends dramatically increase well-being while at the same time reducing stress and improving self-esteem.

2 A recent Public Library of Science review looked at 148 studies involving more than 300,000 participants and found that social relationships also dramatically influence our mortality rate. According to the study's leading researcher, Professor Timothy Smith, social relationships have as much of an impact on mortality as risk factors such as smoking and alcohol consumption, and even more of an impact than physical inactivity and obesity.

3 Clinical psychologist Renée Mill points out that we exhibit a spontaneous social instinct to make friends from a very early age. Scientific experiments have shown that parts of the brain light up when children play, hug and interact with each other, indicating enhanced brain activity.

4 At school and university we have many opportunities to meet and interact with new people who may become lifelong friends. In later life, having children at school or kindergarten may enable you to connect with the parents of your children's classmates. Through shared activities with young children and their parents, strong bonds are often created.

5 However, there are periods when life takes a different turn. You may move to a new suburb, city or even country, get divorced, or start a new job. It's at times like these that you are required to redefine your inner circle. Dramatic changes may end your established friendships, and you may be forced to rebuild your network.

Making new friends

6 So how does one make a friend? At work, it's easier than anywhere else because you often meet like-minded colleagues who eventually become your friends. But if the workplace isn't an option, you may have to enrol in a course or a sporting activity, or join a book club.

7 The important thing is to do something you really like—such as painting, sailing or bushwalking—so that you can meet others who like these activities too. There's no point in joining a bridge club if you hate playing cards.

8 It's also possible to make good friends in surprising places; even a friendly chat in a bank queue can lead to a friendship that lasts years, as one of my friends attests! Being open to opportunities is the key to making new friends, as is a healthy dose of courage: you must take the initiative. Even if you're shy or reluctant to make the first move, when you meet someone you feel a rapport with, it's important to suggest exchanging contact details with a view to meeting.

9 Psychologist Martin Seligman, author of Learned Optimism, states that the highest predictor of happiness is good relationships, although the number of friends needed to be happy may be different.

10 Mill continues, "Friendships are often fluid, dependent on where you live and work—and, interestingly, proximity is the highest indicator of a continuing friendship. If someone changes his or her work situation, it is likely that your friendship may not survive the change. We should have a realistic view of friendship, and understand that the bonds are not as strong as family ties."

11 Psychologist Nikki Kaplan says we may have hundreds of "friends" on Facebook, but very few of these cyber pals translate into real flesh-and-blood relationships. "It's tempting to spend hours texting, tweeting and emailing, alone in front of our computers, instead of engaging in tangible encounters," Kaplan says. But without face-to-face connection, she believes we lose something precious in our quality of interaction—which is why she recommends we focus on regularly doing enjoyable things with our friends.

Nurturing friendships

12 To have good friends, the scholars agree, you must be a good friend. That can mean spending time together regularly, sharing a common goal, even something as simple as a regular lunch or movie date—but it must be more meaningful than a vague catch-up every so often, as connections like these will not last long.

13 Mill says it is important to invest in your friendships—whether by paying attention to meaningful events in a friend's life, acknowledging and celebrating their milestones, or offering practical help if they're going through a hard time. Giving friends some of your time, or helping with something you're good at (but they aren't), is a wonderful way of being a friend. And make sure you earn your friends' trust.

14 "I want to be able to tell a friend anything, and be sure that she will not give me away," says mother-of-four Hilary Levine. "I stay away from people who are negative and who drain my energies—for example, toxic people who just love to gossip! In contrast, friends who are intelligent, positive and interesting are a tonic."

15 The outgoing Levine continues: "I also think relying on one person to supply all your friendship needs is not helpful. I enjoy having friends from different cultures with a wide range of attributes, as this expands my world."

16 Whatever your values, there's no doubt that good friends are critical to our feelings of well-being and self-worth. With friendships as a priority, our challenge is to create sufficient time to begin, nurture and sustain our friendships no matter how busy we may think we are. "Deeper friendships expand our inner horizon and enhance the quality of our life," says Stephanie Dowrick. And who, honestly, can resist that?