Transformative Travel

Twenty-five years ago I felt like a wreck. Although I was just 23, my life already seemed over. The future appeared as much like a wasteland as the emptiness I could see while looking back to the past. I felt lost, without choices, without hope.

I was stuck in a job I hated and trapped in an engagement with a woman I didn't love. At the time, both commitments seemed like a good idea, but I suppose it was the fantasy of being a successful, married businessman that appealed to me far more than the reality.

I decided to take a class just for the entertainment value. It happened to be an introductory counseling course, one that involved personal sharing in the group. We were challenged to make commitments publicly about things we would like to change in our lives, and in a moment of pure impulsiveness, I declared that by the next class meeting I was going to quit my job and end my engagement.

A few days later I found myself unemployed and unattached, excited by the freedom, yet terrified about what to do next. I needed some kind of transition from my old life to a new one, a sort of ritual that would help me to transform myself from one person into another. So I did something just as impulsive as my previous actions: I booked a trip for a week in Aruba.

In spite of what others might have thought, I was not running away from something but to something. I wanted a clean break, and I knew I needed to get away from my usual environment and influences so as to think clearly about where I was headed.

Once settled into my room on the little island of Aruba, I began my process of self-change. I really could have been anywhere as long as nobody could reach me by phone and I had the peace and quiet to think about what I wanted to do. I spent the mornings going for long walks on the beach, the afternoons sitting under my favorite tree, reading books and listening to tapes. Probably most important of all, I forced myself to get out of my room and go to meet people. Ordinarily shy, I now decided that I was someone who was perfectly capable of having a conversation with anyone I chose. Since nobody knew the "real" me, the way I had always been, I felt free to be completely different.

It took me almost a year to pay off that trip, but I am convinced that my single week in Aruba was worth three years in therapy. That trip started a number of processes that helped me to transform myself. This is how I did it:

I created a mindset that made me ready for change. I expected that big things were on the horizon, that a trip such as this could change my life. I believed with all my heart that I could change, if only I could find a quiet place to sort things out and experiment with new ways of thinking and acting.

I insulated myself from the usual influences in my life and the people whose approval was most important. One of the reasons that therapy often takes so long is that, once you leave the safety and support of a session, you reenter the world where familiar people elicit the familiar reactions. By separating myself from others' approval and influences, I was able to think more clearly about what I really wanted.

I structured my time in order to produce change and growth. Solitude, isolation, or new environments in themselves are not enough; you must also complete tasks that are relaxing and educational. The most important part of any therapy is not what you understand or what you talk about, but what you do. Insight without action is entertaining but not always helpful. Instead of reading novels and calling home regularly, I took the time to participate in different activities that would make me change.

I pushed myself to experiment with new ways of being. I sampled alternative lifestyles and pretended to be a different person. I acted in unfamiliar ways just to see how it felt. Whatever I would usually do in various circumstances, I forced myself to do the opposite. This reinforced the idea that anything was possible, that I could do anything I wanted.

I made public commitments of what I intended to do so it would be harder to back down. There were times when I wanted to avoid doing those things I found most frightening. Until this trip, I had never traveled to a strange place deliberately alone. Whenever I thought about taking safe routes, I imagined that I would soon have to face my classmates and that I would have to explain my actions to them.

I processed my experiences systematically. I wrote in a journal each day and spoke to people I met about what I was doing and why. When I returned, I talked to several people I trusted about what had taken place. Each of them offered a different perspective that I valued and found useful in incorporating the experience into my life.

I made changes when I returned that continued the transformation that started while I was in Aruba. It is easier to make changes when you are away from home than to maintain the changes after you return. To make sure I didn't slip back into old patterns, I immediately made new decisions about my work and my relationships that kept me moving forward.

I decided that much of my future traveling would have some transformative dimension to it. Although it is possible to make extraordinary progress in a single week, transformative change takes place over a lifetime. I promised myself that I would make other trips from time to time in order to continue my growth.