Life and English

Life and the English language are getting more and more complicated. To take just one example—many people today live together and choose not to get married. This has become accepted by most people, but the English language, like a fussy old grandmother, hasn't quite got used to the idea. How, for example, do you introduce the person you are living with?

"Let me introduce you to my man/woman?" I'm afraid that won't do. It sounds as though you are introducing a man-servant or a cleaning lady. Well, what about "my boy/ girlfriend"? That seems all right, but if you're introducing someone who is thirty or forty, it sounds rather ridiculous. "My friend", then; OK, but it doesn't give the full picture, does it? You are more than just friends. And if you say "We're just good friends", people will scream with laughter and immediately assume you are having an extremely passionate affair, and want to hide it. But what if you are having an extremely passionate affair and want people to know about it?

You might think you could bravely throw back your head and announce in a loud voice: "This is John/Mary; he/she's my lover." Well, you could if you wanted to. Some people might even admire you for your courage, but everyone would assume that you were married to someone else, and were introducing the third party who would soon be cited in the divorce courts. So what about saying "This is the man/ woman I live with"? Well, for a start, it takes too long to say. Secondly, it's too impersonal.

Now you're really getting desperate, and start saying the first thing that comes into your head: "My common-law wife/husband" (no, that's too legalistic), "my partner" (that makes you think of a dancing partner), and "my chick, my bird" (women aren't birds!), "my bloke, my fellah" (too slangy) ... then finally you have a brainwave. Why not simply introduce your partner by his or her first name? "Hello everybody, let me introduce you to John/Mary." A brilliant solution. Why didn't you think of it before? You've solved the problem.

Or have you ... ? What if something like this occurs:

You: Well, goodbye everybody, John/Mary is waiting for me outside.

Another: Oh, who's John/Mary?

You: Oh, John/Mary, he/she's my, er, man/woman, no, my boy/girlfriend, I mean my friend, I mean ...

Do you see what I mean? Whatever social changes are made in the future you can be sure that the grandmotherly English language will forbid you to find a word to describe them.