Friendship

A high school history teacher once told us, "If you make one close friend in school, you will be most fortunate. A true friend is someone who stays with you for life." Experience teaches that he was right. Good friendships are just not easily formed. Why?

One reason is that it is easy to move around in our society. Mr. Darrell Sifford, a news reporter for the Washington Daily, has been studying and talking about friendship for a number of years. He reports what one woman thought about the effect of ease of movement on friendship:

"I was nine, and we'd just moved from South Carolina to New Jersey, and I didn't know anybody. My mother had a way of getting to the root of things and she said to me, 'Amelia, I know you're feeling bad because you don't have any friends. But you can fix that. Just walk across the street—I know there's a girl about your age over there—and knock on the door and ask her to be your friend.'"

"As a 9-year-old, I could do that. I knocked on the door and said, 'Hi, my name is Amelia, and I'd like for us to be friends.' And to my surprise, she said that she would like that too—and we became friends."

She added that going about it directly always worked when she was a child. But as she left childhood, she found that the simple direct approach was more and more difficult for her to follow. So, as an adult, Amelia longed to have friends but her hands were tied when it came to doing anything about it. The problem, according to her, is that society teaches us in a number of ways that direct action is not an acceptable way of doing things. We need to be less direct so that our feelings will not be hurt if our offer of friendship is refused.

Mr. Sifford goes on to describe his own ideas on the subject:

"To most of us, friendship is very important, but we need to have clear in our own minds the kinds of friendships we want. Are they to be very close or kept at arm's length? Do we want to share ourselves or do we want to walk on the surface?"

"For some people, an ordinary friendship is enough—and that's all right. But at some point we need to make sure that what we expect from the friendship is the same as what our friends expect from it. If one wants more from the friendship than the other, and if this is not talked about, one is likely eventually to feel that he's not being given enough attention."

"The sharing of close secrets, including our fears as well as our dark dreams, is the surest way to deepen friendships. But the process must be gone through slowly and continued only if there are signs of interest and our efforts are answered."

What are some of the problems in forming friendships? According to Mr. Sifford, the biggest problem is to expect too much too soon. Deep relationships take time. Another "big difficulty" is to think one "possesses" the other and that he should spend all his time only with you. Similarly, friendships require action from both sides. In short, you must give as much as you take. Finally there is a question of developing friendship. Unless you spend enough time together, talking on the phone, writing letters, doing things together, friendships will gradually fade away.

Why is it so difficult to form friendships? Perhaps it is possible, as Mr. Sifford states, that we simply do not stay in one place long enough for a true friendship to develop. However, we all agree that each of us should think carefully about the kind of friendships we want. As in all inter-personal relationships, success depends on the kind of friendship we expect to have, openness to others, and a willingness to experiment.