09. White Lies

Although most people would agree that lying to gain advantage over an unknowing subject is wrong, another kind of mistruth—the "white lie"—is both a popular and often acceptable type of communication. White lies are defined (at least by those who tell them) as being "unmalicious," or even helpful.

Whether or not they are harmless, "white lies" are certainly common. In one study, 130 subjects were asked to keep track of the truthfulness of their everyday conversational statements. Only 38.5 percent of these statements—slightly more than a third—proved to be totally honest. What reasons do people give for being deceitful so often?

When subjects in the study by Turner and his associates were asked to give a lie-by-lie account of their motives for concealing or distorting the truth, five major reasons emerged. The most frequent motive (occurring in 55.2 percent of the lies) was to save face. Lying of this sort is often given the approving label of "tact," and is used "when it would be unkind to be honest but dishonest to be kind." Sometimes a face-saving lie prevents embarrassment for the recipient, as when you pretend to remember someone at a party whom you really don't recall ever having seen before. In other cases, a lie protects the teller from embarrassment. You might, for example, cover up your mistakes by blaming them on outside forces: "You didn't receive the check? It must have been delayed in the mail."

The second most frequent motivation for lying was to avoid tension or conflict (22.2 percent). Sometimes it seems worthwhile to tell a little lie to prevent a large conflict. You might, for example, compliment a friend's bad work, not so much for your friend's sake but to prevent the hassle that would result if you told the truth. Likewise, you might hide feelings of irritation to avoid a fight: "I'm not mad at you; it's just been a tough day." The motive for this sort of lying can be charitably described as promoting relational stability.

A third motive for lying (given 9.6 percent of the time) is to guide social interaction. You might, for instance, pretend to be glad to see someone you actually dislike or fake interest in a dinner companion's boring stories to make a social event pass quickly. Children who aren't skilled or interested in these social lies are often a source of embarrassment for their parents.

Affecting interpersonal relationships was a fourth motive for lying, offered as a reason by experimental subjects 9.6 percent of the time. Some lies in this category are attempts to expand the relationship: "I'm headed that way. Can I give you a ride?" "I like science fiction too. What have you read lately?" Lies to make yourself look good also fall into this category, such as calling yourself a "management trainee" when you really are a clerk who might someday be promoted. Other relational lies are attempts to reduce interaction. Sometimes we lie to escape an unpleasant situation: "I really have to go. I should be studying for a test tomorrow." In other cases, people lie to end an entire relationship. "You're too good for me. I don't deserve a wonderful person like you."

The fifth and last motive revealed by 3.3 percent of the subjects was to achieve personal power. Turning down a last-minute request for a date by claiming you're busy can be one way to put yourself in a one-up position, saying in effect, "Don't expect me to sit around waiting for you to call." Lying to get confidential information—even for a good cause—also falls into the category of achieving power.