Learning to Read—in College

— Art Buchwald

The Timkens sent their child Laura off to college with a check for $7,000 in tuition and thought that was the end of it. But soon after they received a letter from the dean of studies.

"We are happy to announce that we have started a remedial reading class for college freshmen and strongly advise that your daughter Laura participate in it. If she doesn't, it is our opinion that Laura will not be able to keep up with her studies. The cost will be $250."

Timken read the letter. "I thought Laura could read," he said to his wife.

"So did I. I think the problem is she can read, but she does not understand what she reads."

"What did they teach her in public school and high school?"

"I have no idea, but if the college says she needs remedial reading we'd better see that she gets it or $7,000 will be thrown away."

A few days later they got another letter from the dean.

"The English Department has informed us that your daughter Laura cannot write. They have suggested that she enroll in the remedial writing class. We started it two years ago when we discovered this was a common problem for most college students. If you agree that Laura should get this special help, please send a check for $250."

Timken was angry now.

"How did she get in college if she can't write?"

Mrs. Timken was much more optimistic about it. "Laura can write. She just can't write complete sentences.

"She went to school for 12 years and she can't write a sentence?" Timken said. "They made an illiterate out of my daughter!"

"Oh, I believe that's a bit strong, I'm sure, anyway, the college can help her learn to write. After all, it is an institution of higher learning.

"So now we have to pay $250 for something they should have taught her in grammar school?"

"Don't you remember what the principal said years ago? It was the school's responsibility to make good citizens out of the students, and the parents' responsibility to teach the children to read and write. It seems that we're the ones who failed."

Timken sent in the check, and was not surprised to find another letter waiting for him a week later.

It read: "We have found that no one in the freshman class can add, multiply, subtract or divide simple sums. We feel it is urgent that this deficiency be corrected early in a student's college career. Therefore, we are setting up a special remedial arithmetic course. The fee will be $250. If you do not want your daughter to take this course we cannot guarantee she will graduate."

Once again Timken flew into a rage. "I thought Laura got A's in math in high school."

Mrs. Timken said, "That was conceptional math. She never could add or subtract. Don't you remember when you complained once about it and Laura's teacher told you, 'She can always learn to add and subtract when she gets to college.'?"