Will You Go Out with Me?

Laura Ullman

I know that dating has changed dramatically in the past few years, and for many women, asking men out is not at all daring. But I was raised in a traditional European household where the notion of my asking a man out on a date is considered wildly naughty. Growing up, I learned that men call, ask and pay for the date. But during my three years here at Berkeley, I've learned otherwise.

Berkeley women have brightened their social lives by taking the initiative with men. My girlfriends insist that it's essential for women to participate actively in the dating process. "I can't sit around and wait anymore," my roommate once blurted out. "Hard as it is, I have to ask guys out—if I want to date at all!" This is great: More women are having more fun by inviting men out, and men say they're delighted and relieved that dating no longer depends only on their willingness to take the first step. So why am I digging my nails into my hand trying to muster up courage to ask you out?

I keep telling myself to relax. Dating is more casual today. A college date can be as harmless as studying together. It's easier, cheaper and more comfortable for everyone that way. Students have fewer anxiety attacks when they ask somebody to play tennis than when they plan a formal dinner date. They enjoy last-minute "Let's make dinner together" dates because they not only avoid problems over what to wear and how to act, but also don't have time to agonize.

Casual dating also encourages people to form healthy friendships before they get involved in serious relationships. My roommate and her boyfriend were friends for four months before their chemistries clicked. They went to movies, got together with mutual friends and took turns paying for their dinners out. "It was like going out with a girlfriend," my roommate once laughed, blushing. This sort of friendship lets men and women relax and get to know each other more easily.

But if we do go out for a meal, who pays? This is still confusing everyone. You aren't sure whether I'll get the wrong idea if you treat me for dinner, and I'm not sure I won't offend you if I insist on paying for myself. John whipped out his wallet on our first date before I could suggest we go Dutch. During our after-dinner stroll he told me he was interested in dating me on a steady basis. After I explained I was more interested in a friendship, he wanted to know why I'd let him pay for my dinner. "I've practically given up treating women on dates," he complained. "When you let me pay, I thought it meant something special!"

Larry, on the other hand, was hurt when I offered to pay for my meal on our first date. When I took out my wallet and asked how much I owed him, he looked at me as if I had addressed him in a foreign language. Larry muttered, "Uh, well, you really don't owe me anything, but if you insist ... " Insist, I thought, I only offered! To Larry, my gesture was a sign of rejection.

But there's no time now to worry about John and Larry—here you come! Now remember: I believe in equality. I believe in women taking the initiative. It improves my social life, it's more fair and more fun for everyone. Dates are no big deal—this is modern American-style casual dating, and it's easy, and it works. No magic formula guarantees you'll say yes—I just have to relax, be myself and ask you out in a relaxed, unthreatening manner. If my friends are right, you'll be flattered.

Sliding into your desk, you tap my shoulder and say, "Hi, Laura, what's up?"

"Good morning," I answer with nervous chills. "Hey, how would you like to have lunch after class on Friday?"

"I'd love to," you say.

It works!!! "We have a date," I smile.