Romance and Reality

Dr. Stanley J. Katz & Aimee E. Liu

Romance can be dangerously seductive. A full moon, soft candlelight—the mood is complete. Add an attractive partner and some soft background music, and who can resist feeling "in love"? This, after all, is what the magazine ads say love is supposed to look like. If you find a partner who provides this setting and invites you in, it's natural to think of love.

Romance is both an atmosphere and a state of mind. It's great to relish it for a while, but as a steady diet romance is dangerously under-nourishing. Ideally, romance will be woven through a loving relationship, and reviving it now and then is an excellent way to express affection and commitment. But if you insist that your relationship be in a constant state of romance, you're asking the impossible. Not only that, but the pressure of your demands may end up destroying your chances for success as a truly loving couple.

This doesn't mean that we should automatically be suspicious of romantic behavior or keep our own romantic feelings under lock and key. It's natural to expect, and to express, some degree of romance in a new relationship. That's part of what makes a relationship fun and exciting—but only if both partners understand the role that romance is playing. In true love, the purpose of romance is not to deceive, but to express real affection and enrich an ongoing relationship. It's sincere. It pleases both partners and renews their commitment to each other. It gives them a brief break from the daily grind, an opportunity to focus on each other and the relationship in a positive way.

Once you've determined that you and your partner both are prepared to accept true love, you need to make sure the ties are there to hold the two of you together as a couple. These strengths will form the basis for your love, supporting your relationship through the challenges to come. They fall into the following eight general categories:

1. Physical attraction. The attraction need not be electric. With many loving couples, it builds gradually and gently, sometimes taking years to ripen. All that's really required in the beginning is some attraction, mutual openness, affection, and desire for intimacy.

2. Shared goals, interests, and belief systems. Couples with similar religious, cultural and political beliefs tend to be more united than those with differing backgrounds, but differences can be overcome if there's a solid foundation of shared goals and interests.

3. Mutual respect, acceptance, and the desire to please each other. In relationships based on false love, these attitudes often flow from one partner only. In true love, there must be balance, and both partners must accept the responsibility of living up to each other's expectations.

4. Mutual honesty and trust. Dishonesty has no place in true love; it can only lead to mistrust and division. From the very start, you and your partner must be truthful, both with yourselves and with each other.

5. Realistic expectations for each other and the relationship. Your expectations should be based both on the requirements for true love and on your individual personalities and needs. Discuss them openly, recognizing that some are nonnegotiable while others need to remain flexible.

6. A balance of dependence and independence. True love requires a connection, but not the submersion of two individuals. Mature lovers don't melt completely into each other, as obsessive couples do, nor do they remain disconnected. Rather, they interlock, so that parts of their lives become shared. In diagram form, the three possibilities look like this:

Obsessive couple

Disconnected couple

Loving couple

To succeed in love, you and your partner must be able to rely on each other for comfort and support without expecting all your needs to be met within the relationship. Part of your life must remain separate. You need some friends, activities, and interests that your partner does not share. In addition to the personal benefits you get from these outside sources, they provide ideas, energy, and information that keep the relationship open and developing.

7. A cooperative approach to problems. Conflict and struggle are necessary to life and therefore also to love. You and your partner must accept this fact from the start and figure out how to deal with problems when they arise. The process of working through difficulties should help you understand each other and bring you closer together.

8. A shared life. True love does not occur without effort and it does not develop overnight. For most of us, it takes years to reach fulfillment. Through the routine of daily life, you and your partner come to know each other's deepest hopes, fears and feelings, and discover and become part of each other's inner rhythms.