American and Chinese cultures are in some ways polar opposites. An American hostess, complimented for her culinary skill, is likely to say, "Oh, I'm so glad you liked it. I cooked it especially for you." Not so a Chinese host or hostess (often the husband does the fancy cooking), who will instead apologize for giving you nothing even slightly edible and for not showing you enough honor by providing proper dishes.

The same rules hold true with regard to children. American parents speak proudly of their children's achievements, telling how Johnny made the school team or Jane made the honor roll. Not so Chinese parents, whose children, even if at the top of their class in school, are always so "naughty", never studying, never listening to their elders, and so forth.

The Chinese take pride in "modesty"; Americans in "straightforwardness". This modesty has left many a Chinese hungry at an American table, for Chinese politeness calls for three refusals before one accepts an offer, and American hosts take a "no" to mean "no", whether it's the first, second, or third time.

Recently, a member of a delegation sent to China by a large American corporation complained to me about how the Chinese had asked them three times if they would be willing to change some proposal, and each time the Americans had said "no" clearly and definitely. My friend was angry that the Chinese had not taken his word the first time. I recognized the problem immediately and wondered why the Americans had not studied up on cultural differences before coming to China. It would have saved everyone a lot of perplexity and needless frustration in their negotiations.