Differences in Your Conversational Style

You and your husband/ wife share many of the same points of view and basic values, but you find yourselves continually getting into arguments about significant matters.

What's the problem? Is there something wrong with your partner, or the relationship? Before you blame yourself, you should be aware that these arguments may simply be caused by differences in your conversational style, or in how you approach a conversation. According to Deborah Tannen, author of the best-selling book You Just Don't Understand , men and women view the world differently, and as a result, they speak and hear things differently.

"A man sees the world," says Tannen, "as a hierarchical social order in which he's either one up or one down. In this world," she explains, "conversations are negotiations in which people try to achieve and maintain the upper hand if they can, and protect themselves from others' attempts to put them down and push them around."

Women, on the other hand, view the world as a network of connections. "In this world," notes Tannen, "conversations are negotiations for closeness in which people try to seek and give confirmation and support. They try to protect themselves from others' attempts to push them away.

"These different perspectives are established in childhood. Boys and girls grow up in different 'worlds of words'," Explains Tannen. "They're talked to differently and take different conversational styles as a result." These different conversational styles continue throughout our adult lives and can lead to a lot of misunderstandings.

"Learning about these differences won't make them go away," says Tannen. But it can help men and women accept them and understand that each style is valid. It can also help men and women stop blaming themselves and each other when misunderstandings occur, and understand that what seems like bad intentions may actually be good intentions expressed in a different conversational style.